


What To Expect When You're Not Expecting (Expect the Unexpected)

by sazzafraz



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Babies, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Gen, I have No Excuse, blame science, but really, but yeah, in that there are men who have babies, mosr fluff than you can shake a stick at, or maybe that should be crack, sort of mpreg, thats all science fault, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-12
Updated: 2012-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-05 05:30:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/402951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sazzafraz/pseuds/sazzafraz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony has the presence of mind and the fucking decency to avoid her eyes, ‘So, me and uh, the guys, may have inadvertently had some supervillians.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	What To Expect When You're Not Expecting (Expect the Unexpected)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what I've been doing instead of writing More Seats for Heroes. Sorry. 
> 
> And um, yeah, sorry.
> 
> And if you see this on Tumblr don't sweat. No one stole it.

The News Anchor adopts a serious expression, ‘Today New York was invaded by...magical babies.’ He swears, ‘Phil! I quit Phil! I quit! _I am getting out of this town!_ ’ 

Pepper feels you Anchor Man, _she knows those feels._

‘So, explain to me again.’ Pepper says, turning off the tv and dropping the remote, hands cradling her face like she has a hangover. Which, on further thought, she does, it’s called ‘ _I made the terrible life choice of working for Tony Stark’_ which is a side effect of the affliction known as ‘ _Tony Stark is a goddamn life ruiner, A Class.’_  ‘Why I have to help you rig the Avengers Tower-’

‘Stark Tower.’ Tony says from under the table in her office.

‘I’ll call it Stark Tower when the lease doesn’t have ‘ _booty, booty, booty, we should call this Booty Tower’_ on it.’

Tony’s face, hair stuck up, shirt covered in miscellaneous grease, rolls out from under the desk. He points a finger at her, ‘Clint is an asshole.’

‘Tony, why does the Tower need to play a lullaby to an army of Super babies,’ she pauses, ‘you now owe me a 30% raise for having to say that sentence.’

‘I’d pay you the world baby.’

‘I’ll never go down on you again, _baby._ ’

Tony has the presence of mind and the fucking decency to avoid her eyes, ‘So, me and uh, _the guys,_ may have inadvertently had some supervillians.’

She makes an irritated noise, ‘What have I told you about inviting supervillians into the tower? _’_

‘If it’s even mildly suspicious don’t put a ring on it, don’t tell it your secret plans or weaknesses and don’t leave it alone with the magical still you totally don’t have.’

‘Especially if it has horns.’

‘Loki is a really hot chick.’

‘ _He threw you out a window.’_

‘It was going great till that part!’

Pepper whips out her phone and makes a note to call her therapist, deletes it, and hits the call button for Natasha. If all else fails Nat will at least pretend to carry out the hit on Tony.

‘What are you doing?’ Tony asks.

‘Calling Natasha.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you are _stupid in the head_ and things make more sense when she explains them.’

Tony makes a pouting face. It stopped working on her sometime after he got her banned from Cuba.

Calling Natasha results in a thirteen second mashup of a bullets, babies crying, what may or may not be Thor trying to hogtie a giant mewling glob of snot and Clint screeching _fly my pretties!_

Pepper hangs up. Has a panic attack. Puts on her _dealing with Tony’s shit_ face. Tony, the asshole, grins at her and waves a wrench.

‘Start from the beginning.’ She says, keenly aware of her rapidly dwindling sanity.

The beginning roughly translates to Tony and Bruce running a stupid experiment involving DNA and magic _because science,_ said experiment resulting in some awesome lightening and a weirdly Captain Planet-esque montage of magical lightening music and magical supervillian babies. Steve arrived, was upset till someone handed him a baby with the same colour eyes as him and a face that screamed _Freedom! America!_ Then Clint arrived and collected all the babies he deemed worthy and took them up to the nest he definitely does not have in the corner of the tower to teach them the ways of the majestic eagle and also killing people. The Hulk is missing, which is probably for the best.

_Then_ the babies turned evil _because magic_ and now it’s up to the Avengers to become the poster children for domestic violence and beat up their own kids. For America. _For freedom._ Except not really because having intense family/abandonment/whatever-it-is-with-Clint-and-high-places, capital I Issues is part and parcel of being on the Avengers.So Tony is making his tower into a giant jukebox of baby friendly sounds, Thor is wrestling them into adorable baby armour just in case they get hurt (apparently his mothering instincts are both wildly out of control and wildly out of touch with reality) and Clint may or may not be trying to organise them into neat rows and teach them  _routines set to country music._ She has never regretted his past as an accidental country superstar more. He’s like Taylor Swift if she stopped making awful dating decisions and took up shooting people with arrows and doing acrobatics off buildings. Steve is cuddling them and dolling out useful baby rearing advice because his childhood was shitty and he’s projecting.

God she wishes she had to make this shit up.

‘So yeah,’ Tony says, non-chalant about it all, ‘help me make the tower sing, baby.’

Pepper does. After she punches him.

\--

So there’s this story about how Natasha would do anything for Clint, how she’s not a complete monster and has standards.

She really wishes she could take that back.

Becuase she could really go for murdering some children right now.

She’s standing on a building between Clint and Thor who are both trying to win the _‘Worst Parenting Ever Award.’_ But since neither of them have given their child an intense saviour complex nor gotten them killed or has the last names Winchester or Wayne, neither are winning.

Insomnia is lonely place, okay? _You learn things._

Thor is smothering every baby shaped thing around him with a complete lack of boundaries and nigh on unsettling amounts of devotion and Clint is screeching at them and trying to force the fear of _Natasha_ into them. She’s almost flattered.

There’s a commotion overhead as a magical portal opens up and Loki appears, accompanied by a whole lot of space tapeworms and angry aliens. It says something that _Alien Invasion_ isn’t the messiest thing she has to do today.

‘Look brother! They are all your family.’ Thor bellows, joyfully presenting a naked baby a la The Lion King.

In a surprising turn of events, Loki blanches, makes a series of abortive motions and _bugs the fuck out of there._

Thor shakes his head sadly, the screaming child still presented, ‘Still prefers horses.’

Natasha doesn’t judge. She’d leave too.

The horse thing is up for debate though.

‘Here,’ Clint says solemnly, offering her a vaguely human shaped pile of red and green. ‘I want you to take this.’

‘Are you broken?’ she says and takes the baby, mostly for fear he’ll drop it. ‘Really Clint. _Have you tripped off your crazy train?’_

Clint yanks the baby back as if offended, ‘Don’t listen to her,’ he croons, ‘We’ll make a cult. That’ll show her.’

‘I’m honestly trying to remember why I keep saving your life.’

Just as she prepares to do _something_ about the menace of terrible twos, a particularly douchebaggy kid, older than the rest at somewhere around 8, perhaps patient zero of this whole mess, wanders out and waves what is obviously the switch to a very large, very bad _something,_ finger sitting on the big red button.

‘We are the Avengebabies!’ the kid cries and then flips on his douchenozzle sunglasses, where are you from, kid, the set of CSI: Miami? ‘Expect us!’

Natasha makes an executive decision as to whether or not she can live with punching an eight year old in the face. She looks at the kid, posing and flipping his hair, finger about to push down the button.

Yeah, she can.

Just as she’s about to leap off and smack the kid, Hulk comes smashing down to land right in front of Douche Sunglasses. In what is perhaps the most surprising turn of events, somehow, the kid tears up and lets out a baleful cry of ‘Mommy! I thought you were never ever, ever, never coming back!’and hugs the Hulks legs.

The city falls silent and as she looks around, Natasha notices that all the children, even the kid hanging out the old man 15 stories up, yeah, she sees you asshole, all the children are staring at the Hulk like-

Well.

_That’ll_ be a blow to Thors’ ego.

‘Shh,’ Douche Sunglasses says, ‘just come.’

And slowly, so slowly, all the children crawl around the Hulk, softly crying and eventually falling asleep.

The Hulk looks her straight in the eyes and says, ‘fetch cookies.’

Natasha nods and walks away because, shit, what else _can_ she do.

She finds Tony, Steve, Clint and Thor sitting on Broadway, Thor holding one child hostage as he tries to force it into a snazzy sequinned number. Steve gives her a little wave and nod, hair sticking up in odd places. Clints obviously sulking and Tony is curled around his phone sobbing out apologies to Pepper, Rhodey, the American people and possibly to his mother for not having been a better child.

‘Are you all back to normal yet?’ she asks, idly wondering if they’ll forgive her if she wounds them if they’re not because if there is anything she was never trained for it was mass hysteria caused by villainous babies and the men who accidentally birthed them.

‘Yeah, yeah, we’re fine.’ Tony says, rubbing his head, ‘Just a mass attack of pregnancy brain.’

‘If we run we make the next showing of _How to Succeed_.’ Steve muses wiping baby shit all over his head.

Just a normal day in New York, New York.

\--

Out there, somewhere, on a helicarrier far, far away, Nick Fury is one eyed glaring at a baby.

‘Go the fuck to sleep.’ He hisses. The baby burps. ‘ _Go the fuck to sleep.’_

‘Sir,’ Hill says, ‘the baby is to your left.’

\--

The goddamned end.

**Author's Note:**

> From this not at all prompt from my drunk friend.
> 
> Her: do you think if you mixed thor's dna with cap america and put it in iron man's suit it would explode with patriot lightening magic?
> 
> Me: I dunno but if you have whatever it is pass through the Hulk it’d start playing the Stark Spangled Banner. Oh god, no, okay, so the suit explodes, flies into the Hulk and then starts playing Star Spangled Man with musical lightening. And when it hits the crescendo, with all their powers combined, out pops AvengeBaby! the worlds youngest supervillian and his superpower is bringing out the innate horribleness of children and the next Avengers movie is fighting babies with such tactics as ‘slow soothing music’, ‘stern staring’, ‘no Thor you really can’t send a baby into battle just because you made him horrifically coloured baby armour, this isn’t Asgard, I don’t care what Odin said, he’s a really shitty father,’ and ‘no, Clint, you don’t speak baby, we can’t sacrifice it to Natasha that’s just weird.’
> 
> In a surprise twist gamma radiation calms all the babies down so they build a giant crib, stick the Hulk in it and give him all the children. They nap and have cookies.
> 
> They call it Banners Ark.


End file.
